At some point, this blog became overwhelming for me. So many ideas and no idea where to start. I blame IG stories where I can chat about things on the go… much less of a production, but is it the best way to share things? They disappear after 24 hours. SO, my point is… here I am, a fresh year and some things to chat about!
After a really crazy and not so great year (to put it mildly), I’m here on the other side of what truly felt like a the darkest period of my life. To catch you up, we struggled with infertility (more on that here), a miscarriage, my mom being diagnosed with Alzheimers, IVF and other random negative stuff in 2018. I won’t say I handled everything with grace, and sometimes far from it… I had many low moments, moments that I felt were a rock bottom for me, compounded with ridiculous levels of hormones thanks to fertility meds, made for some pretty interesting times to say the least. There were times I was sure I was losing control of my mind. I learned a lot about myself, my limitations, and it was humbling in the biggest way.
When I made the decision to take on IVF at the end of 2018, I braced for the worst. I was so terrified of the process. Not only is it extremely expensive, but daily hormones and needles multiple times a day, topped off by a day surgery to harvest the eggs, was very scary to me. I dug SO deep and really had to sink my every action into achieving a positive outcome. I cancelled things, said no, failed at things, let go of relationships. Anything that would have caused me extra stress had to go; I simply had to disconnect in order to really connect with myself. Not only do the drugs make you feel pretty horrible for a good few months, but when your hormones are being manipulated, it can really mess with everything from your reactions, to your mindset, capacities and much more.
For months, everything I did centered around getting a good outcome – endless acupuncture appointments, exercise, healthy eating, meditation, massage, sleep, supplements, anything I could do was done. There were no shortcuts. I was all in like I’ve never been before. Based on my fertility numbers it was our last and only kick at the IVF can… the pressure was on. The stress of infertility came to a head, and I had to make some tough calls. It’s was hard to run a business, be creative… I didn’t feel like myself. Combined with some other intense happenings… It. Cracked. Me. Open. I can’t tell you how many tears I cried, how much anxiety I had (literally, I was having episodes that would keep me up at night).
What this all taught me was truly enlightening and it’s what I will bring with me into 2019 and beyond.
Trust in myself.
In my gut.
In the universe.
In the doctors.
In the process.
In my husband.
That everything will always work out (my mom always said this, and the older I get, the more I believe and understand it)
The lessons were painful, but now that I’ve come out on the other side with 7 embryos (a number my doctor even said she didn’t see happening), I can see that it was all for a reason. And it means that I’m going into 2019 with a new rock bottom that makes the good times feel absolutely euphoric. While I’m still physically and emotionally recovering (I swear I’ve fallen asleep at 8pm on the couch every night since I finished IVF in early December… I think my body is exhausted), I feel like I’ve finished a marathon and I’m proud.
Life is messy, it’s uncomfortable, and bad things happen to good people. The best way to circumvent our challenges is to let them happen, and learn the shit out of the lesson.